Hi... it's been awhile.
Woooo, so yeah, dating? What does that even mean anymore? I saw dating in my 20s as someone asking me out, we get dinner, by the third date they're 'obsessed' with me, we start 'dating'. The rest is history. There was no second guessing, sweaty hands, or uncertainty.
Now? No. I'm 30 and I feel like a major shift happened in my life. What once was an exciting adventure between two consenting adults became... scary. I no longer know how to 'date'. Mostly because I don't want to, and that's because I'm actually scared. See I'm getting my life back on track and I'm doing a great job, but I don't know when I'll be ready for that.
Right now I feel like a gutted basement ready to have a makeover. I hate to use that comparison but that's the first thing to come to my mind. Usually if you have an unfinished basement, you can hide that from your guests. Shutting the door and finding every other room as a source of entertainment, but the basement? We don't need to go renovate that yet. I've taken the time to rip the walls down, tear out the rotting parts, and throw away the garbage. But now I'm here, down to my studs. So I don't want a potential partner to see me like that.
I don't expect to meet anyone like this. It's not because I'm embarrassed, but because I simply don't know when I want to start remodeling. Even when I'm fully made over, completely brand new, with all the bells and whistles. Even then, I know when you remodel anything, there's always settling cracks. Those marks that let you know - one, not everything lasts forever, and two, were imperfect.
I hope I meet someone when I have stronger walls.
I hope I meet someone when my foundation has less cracks.
I hope I meet someone and when it's time to remodel parts of me, that they have the time and patience.
I hope I meet someone that will want to explore me and see all the potential I have.
I guess I'm scared of dating because I'm afraid if they open the door - they might shut it just as quickly.
It's okay to be single, scared, not ready to date, or not know how to date.
It's okay to be 30 and still figuring out what it means to love yourself.
It's okay to talk about being scared.
It's okay to talk about it, whatever it is.
Wow - I feel a lot better now.
Why is it that when we talk about being scared to other people - their first response is, "Don't be!".
Why can't we just simply say it?
"I'm scared, but I can do it, one day."
I think that's how we overcome any emotion.
We bring it into the light so it burns up into nothing.
So, yeah, it's okay to be scared.
It's okay to do things scared.
I'm scared - for now.
Love you, mean it.
Carissa
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