Hey babes,
Classes just started and I've been getting a jump start on everything, but I haven't had a moment to sit down and write, and I think that's why I've been so clouded. Writing helps to release so much of what's going on inside my brain... so here we are again.
I know, I’m really trying.
There's something in particular thats been really weighing on me, and that's friendship. It's really hard to balance work and school with relationships, but I try my best. Sometimes I feel guilty for always putting myself first at this point in my life; but it's for a great reason, so I need to chill with the worries. Besides the friends I have right now in my life understand my goals and why I am so busy. Everyone is busy... life is just that way. But thinking about all of this drew me back to a time when I had friends who weren't like that at all. I had friends who would bog me down with negatives, and ruin moments for me, and not show up when I needed them most.
So, that brings me to toxic friends, we all have had them, you might have them now, OR you might be one and you're going to read this and think none of it applies to you, when it does. Everyone in their life has experience with a toxic person - I can raise my hand and say I've been the villain in someone's story in previous years. If you tell me you've never had toxic people in your life or you haven't been one - can you say that with complete certainty? You can really say that you've never done something toxic? I call complete bullshit.
Okay, if you've snapped back to reality and you're off your high horse... lets continue...
Being openly aware that you have toxic people in your life is a crucial step in realizing you f*cked up and you need an exit strategy... so here are my top reasons to leave a friendship. There's multiple reasons to kill a friendship, but these are the deal breakers for me; just things I cannot stand.
1. They dim your shine.
You get excited about an accomplishment or goal and they seem to just want to extinguish it.
It's honestly so messed up to see someone talking about something that makes them feel alive, and you come over and squash that shit without even a second thought. Do you know how invalidated you made that person feel? You just closed the door on them when they trusted you, and you made them feel worthless. If it's not a big deal to you, but it's a big deal to them, and you “care” about them - MAKE it a big deal. Because if you can't root for your friends when they crush goals, you don't deserve them.
2. It's always a competition.
You tell your friend about some great news and they don't acknowledge it, but then continue to talk about something that relates to the topic so they can one up you.
"I finally got straight A's."
"Yeah I get straight A's every semester, it's not that hard, you just have to try."
OR for my mommy friends...
“So and so is finally sleeping in their own bed!”
“My kids never did that shit...”
You're f*cked up for that... honestly.
What is wrong with you?
CLAPS FOR YOU?
Stop making everything about you. If you make me try and compete with you, you can play that game alone.
Give love, get love.
3. They are always demanding something from you.
Your life is busy, it feels like you're constantly on a hamster wheel, and there they are... demanding everything. Any little inconvenience in their life they run to you, and sometimes you just simply don't have the time. They‘re offended that you don’t want to listen to literal nonsense... good-bye.
Exsqueeze me but I don't need to explain why I'm busy... ever. If I tell you my life is hectic, and you take that as some personal attack on our friendship, you're a weirdo. You should be fully aware that I would bring it to your attention, and not use my busy schedule as an excuse; quite frankly I don't owe you an explanation on how I spend my time... just know this bitch is busy.
4. They don't show up for you when it counts, ever.
While life is busy, hectic, and sometimes you feel like you need a breather - it's important to show up for your friends. You will have to move things around in your schedule so you can really be there for them. But once you feel like someone doesn't do that for you, it can be soul crushing.
I get not being able to go out every weekend because you have kids, work, spouses, etc. But when you don't show up to important events, you flake out constantly on plans, you totally dodge me completely - then don't claim to be my friend. We are no longer friends. Don't worry, I don't need an explanation, because remember... I don't demand them.
While I do have other deal breakers for friendships - these stand out to me the most. I will always believe in friendship as being a sacred thing. You allow certain people in your life for a reason because you trust them. You believe wholeheartedly they have your back - so when they fall completely short, it hurts so badly. Relationships are so important, the people I choose to have in my life are my soulmates. They came into my life for a reason, and we’re there when it counted, and I love the tribe I surround myself with SO much.
If you are in a toxic friendship and you don't know how to get out of it - it's hard. It's hard to look at someone and be like, "Hey, I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore." Breaking up a friendship is like a divorce with no financial loss... just completely emotional. (I could be wrong, but that shit stings). Sometimes we have to break off friendships we've had for decades, and it sucks but once you realize neither of you are benefiting from the friendship, or you feel so much emotional baggage from it that it consumes your life - it's time to get real.
If they are not receptive or caring... then why even bother explaining to them why they suck? You will just find yourself in a game of tennis, and it will go back and forth until someone snaps. I find it's easier to just be upfront, tell them what it is, and move on. Rip the bandaid off that is the broken friendship. You can't reason with someone at this point - it's like beating a dead horse. Just take it as a learning experience because "breaking up" in any relationship isn't fun.
I will say if you’re struggling with this... one day you will realize you have all the people you need and/or want in your life, and it's a great feeling.
More to come,
xoxo
Carissa
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