Dear 'What's Your Face',
This letter is not meant to bash you or to make you feel like you deserve any of my time. But mostly it's for me to heal and move past the memories; good and bad.
You were someone I called home for a couple years and it made me wonder... why? Why is it that I made you seem so warm and cozy, when in reality you weren't? You're the equivalent to an icebox surrounding me and while I shivered from the cold, I would ask for a blanket and be told that I was asking for too much. Why did I make excuses for you over and over again, to my friends and family, when I knew you would hurt me in the long run? I think I did it because that's what people do when we love someone else more than we love ourselves. When you are broken inside you will put other people who are just as broken on a pedestal... like, "Wow you want ME?" I had this idea of you in my head that you were perfection and I was secondary. And I was honestly okay with that, for a long time. Until I wasn't.
I didn't love me. I didn't choose me. I felt like we were one person but you had the controls. And you know what? I don't fault you for that. That was my fault. I should have said, "fuck this"... and kept it moving. But I wasn't ready, I was in fantasy land hoping you would change or I would get the courage to eventually move past you. But I thought in the act of losing you I would also lose myself. That scared the HELL out of me. I would tell myself, "If we ever broke up I don't know what I'd do...". I would tell myself I wasn't strong enough mentally to just be alone. I was dealing with codependency issues, past traumas, and stuck on the idea that you would 'fix' me. And that was the problem right there, nobody can just fix me. I have to fix myself, alone. I love me, I pick me.
While there were good and bad moments I don't blame you for everything. I was just as at fault as you were in some scenarios; and honestly I can say that... and mean it. I'm sorry for those things because I am not perfect. BUT what I won't do is paint you as a Saint, and I won't sit here and say you were a great partner; because you weren't. You're actually not even someone I would be friends with. You're not someone I would want to tell a deep dark secret to. You're not someone I would trust to protect me in any given moment. You're not someone I would call frantically at 3am because I'm having a crisis. Because in the end you didn't even try to protect my heart. You threw me away like I was disposable to you. Put me on a shelf to collect dust. I was a flower waiting to be watered, slowly wilting away. You made me feel like if I waited long enough the reward would be substantial. It was a lie.
You don't hurt the people you love. Yes, mistakes happen. People can most definitely fuck up. But I needed to know what I was and wasn't okay with. And some of the things you did were not forgivable to me; and they never will be. You will never hear the words, "I forgive you" come out of my mouth. It's not because I'm a woman scorned, it's not because I hate you with every cell in my body, and it's not because I'm childish. I just can't forgive it, and I don't have to. Some relationships have different boundaries, they have different feelings about heartbreak and forgiveness. I told myself I would never lose my morals to save a crumbled foundation. I would not allow myself to dig a hole that is so deep I can't climb out of it. I would not let someone stomp on everything that makes me feel alive. I can't control how I feel about certain situations, but I can control how to handle them. And I chose me.
Moving on from you is not easy. It's actually really scary. But I know I made the right choice to walk away - because I have yet to feel like I need you. I don't think I ever did need you. You needed me. You needed someone to stroke your ego, make you feel special, drop everything to run to you at a moments notice. A woman who was your personal robot, who only embodied emotions you wanted to deal with; someone who was not me. I am loud, stubborn, passionate, emotional, caring, empathetic, revengeful, playful, sensitive, outgoing, and so much more. I couldn't be put in the box that you provided; it was so small that only bits and pieces of me could fit: anger, sadness, anxiety, pressure to be different or better, not feeling good enough. I will no longer allow it. I am colorful, I am vibrant, I am better than this. And boxes are for moving... so I'm moving the fuck on.
Finally, my wish for you is that you discover things about yourself and maybe make a change to be better. Do some soul searching as that is what I plan to do. At least that is my hope for you... but you are no longer my problem anymore. I set you free and that makes me feel light, it makes me feel sad, but it also makes me feel hopeful. I can leave this chapter of my life knowing I tried my best, I can leave knowing I never hurt you the way you hurt me, I can leave knowing that I left on my own terms. I can leave knowing the hurt I feel is something I would never do to someone else; not now, not ever. Because in my world some things can't be forgiven. I do not forgive you. But one day I will forget you. One day the pain I feel will dissolve and you will be just another memory. I think when we feel hurt we can't imagine when it stops hurting, I'm still hurting. But one day I will have my dream job, the house I always wanted, a husband, and maybe if I'm lucky enough... a couple of beautiful children. And the hurt I'm feeling now will be filled with love and new memories.
I am finally feeling hopeful for my future.
Thank you for my new life 'What's your face',
Your Ex Girlfriend
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