Hi babes,
I know I've mentioned the gym in past posts, and how much it means to me this year, but it's such a scary place. I've been to numerous gyms, I know how to workout, I LOVE to workout. But I think going back to the gym when you have had such a rough time mentally is so exhausting. I've spent numerous trips going to the gym just crying in the parking lot, wondering how to get out of my car, and just walk through the doors to check-in with the person at the counter. Mentally preparing myself to make eye contact, and talk to anyone made me feel so defeated, because I couldn't do it. To me that was terrifying, and so many times I would drive away and say, "I'll try again tomorrow". I've never really talked about that with anyone, but it was a huge step for me to just drive there.
I don't want to make my blog about my problems, but about the solutions to my problems, and a safe place to get real with myself and be like, "YOU did that". Pat myself on the back, and get it done. But when something terrible happens to you it rocks your world - and it has pushed me past my breaking point more times than I can count, but it has shaped me into this individual that I don't even know. I had broken down to nothing, but also simultaneously been the strongest person I've ever been. I don't want anyone to ever feel bad for me or give me sympathy, but I think I just really wanted to be understood. Because let's be real, we are all pretty f*cked up, plain and simple, and nobody knows your struggles like you do.
Facing the storm that is your own mind is so intimidating. My hope for this year is to not be so scared of it, but embrace it. I have made a list in my phone of all the little things I want to be able to do without fear. One of which is to wear short sleeves in public. I know, you're probably scratching your head like, "What?" or you just think I'm a liar... but I don't wear short sleeves by choice, and I have only worn them a total of 10 times in the past 2 years publicly. It's not because I think I'm fat or because I think I'm unattractive - I was just so uncomfortable. After I was assaulted over 2 years ago a switch went off in my brain and I really didn't want any skin to show, ever. At the beach, two summers ago, I wore long sleeves in 90 degree weather, or I would hide in my coverup. I constantly had people asking me if I was hot, or sweating, or ask me why I was wearing a sweatshirt. But I never really gave those comments any thought, I thought I was OK.
Because I never made it a big deal, I was fine in my own mind... but I wasn't. I worked at a couple different jobs these past couple of months where I was forced to wear short sleeves due to my uniform, but I was okay with it. I'd have my days, but I was mostly alright. That surprisingly had never bothered me. But at the gym it was a completely different story, I just couldn't do it. Every time I would walk in with my sweatshirt on I'd just keep it on, it was my security, my safety blanket, my life. I would think back to all the times I would cry in my car from debilitating anxiety, and I went back to that mindset, that scary place in my mind that left me absoutely defenseless. No amount of money, or talking to me could get me to take that thing off, and just wear a t-shirt, and a tank top was totally OUT of the question.
Well, that all changed on Wednesday, I don't even know why, I couldn't tell you why. All I know is that I went to the gym and wore a t-shirt, tied it up like a crop top (something I never do), and put a lightweight zip up on. I know, we're getting crazy over here. I felt myself becoming more confident with every rep I did, every workout I completed. Then it came time to do my sprint workout, and I love this type of cardio because it makes me feel so free. I'm about halfway through my workout when I just felt this wave of confidence wash over me, and also I was sweating my ass off. As I'm running I unzipped my sweatshirt and threw it to the side and realized, "Who the f*ck cares...". Who cares if everyone, anyone, or no one looks at me. Who even cares at all? I don't, I'm young, and I have so many more "good" years left, and I'm pretty sure when I'm 80 years old I'll makeshift a crop top, and walk around my home pretending to be a younger version of myself. I won't hold back anymore in this aspect because I'm afraid of getting attention, or getting the "wrong" attention because I'm just being me. I was over myself, my brain, how I viewed my body, and how unfair I was being to myself.
I miss the carefree me, and I know I won't go back to who I used to be, but I think that's the point. I'm not meant to be that person anymore. I don't need to be anything except what I am right now and grow from this person that I am. My point is, I did it. I did something that terrified the f*ck out of me. Something that would cause me physical sickness and anxiety. If I could talk to myself 2 years ago I would just want to tell her that she is doing the absolute best she can. And even though she has so many hurdles left to jump over, she's doing such an amazing job. And I'm proud of her.
I'm proud of the journey I'm on, because I can't wait to look back at this moment, and see how much I've grown.
I hope whatever you're going through that you make it a point to be proud of yourself. Be really honest with yourself in what you can do differently, but also celebrate your small victories, because they're what will guide you to the big stuff. Simply getting out of bed and getting something done is worth some self-praising. You don't always need your friends to tell you how amazing you are. You don't need your family to recognize every little thing that you do. You should be able to just be like, "Wow, I f*cking did the thing that I thought would kill me" and you should be so proud, like a weight is lifted off of you, you don't need/want that burden. I felt free for the first time in 2 years and nobody can take that away from me.
It took some soul searching and just a hint of, "I don't give a f*ck" to get to this point. Even if the answers are right in front of your face you won't do what needs to be done until you're physical, mentally, and spiritually ready. It didn't matter how many times someone told me I was pretty, or the attention I would get from my loved ones, or how amazing my friends were to me. Because while the people in my life are so amazing and I cherish them fully - what I really needed was to take a moment to look in the mirror, and be really honest with myself as to why I was holding myself back.
So whatever you're trying to accomplish, just know that nothing is too small for you to be happy about. I hope more than anything that everyone makes it. Life is so short.
Please celebrate the "small" stuff.
Hope you’re having a great weekend,
xoxo
Carissa
Want to know what I'm currently using?
Pre-workout
This is my favorite pre-workout at the moment. My sister had purchased the strawberry flavor at GNC, and upon trying it I was terrified it would give me anxiety and make me shake since I don't workout with food in my system. Not the case. This shit is bomb. I've taken C4 before and I was always left shaky and like I was on the verge of a panic attack. This makes me feel strong and excited to get into the gym!
I'm currently only taking two scoops and it's perfect for me. I even seem to feel better after a workout; previously when I didn't use one I would feel very rundown after weights and now I almost feel refreshed and not overly sore.
I swear it makes me happier at the gym.
Protein Powder
This is my current protein powder - it's not amazing but it gets the job done. I probably won't repurchase just because I'd like to find something just a little different next time; probably a whey protein since I want to continue lifting. This is great though if you need something quick. I found mine at my local Shaw's. It's great because it's dairy, soy, gluten, lactose free, and vegan, and also it contains no sugar. It's a mixture of organic pea protein, chia seeds, brown rice, and fiber. So, ultimately it's a great product, just not exactly what I was looking for.
What's your favorite pre-workout/protein powder?
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