Dear Not So Confident,
I was asked fairly recently, "How are you so confident?" I laughed, looked around, pointed at myself and said loudly, "ME? HAHA". But, they were serious. This person looking confused within my laughter, really believed with everything in them that I embodied this trait, and I thought it was a joke. I thought they had the wrong person. But then as I thought about it briefly, in that moment, I realized, "No, I am confident". I don't say that from a place of cockiness and I don't say that lightly either. It took a lot of soul-searching and self love to build this bitch. You can take everything away from me, strip me down to the studs, but you can't take away my confidence. That is my life's work, that is the foundation of my very being, my vibe; everything.
That is a statement I can now say and not laugh, "I am confident" because it's true. It wasn't something I harnessed from birth and it wasn't something that happened out of nowhere. It was when I finally realized that all you have in this life is you. So I looked at my life during my 'not so confident' stage. I was sick of being a wall flower. I was tired of being the friend in the group guys didn't want to date. I was the 'weird one', pretending not to be weird. I was sick of not trying new things because of self doubt and what others would think. I was annoyed that anytime I wanted to better myself there was this feeling of being rejected, because of not feeling 'good enough' not being 'the person made for this' - whatever that meant. I felt that way because I didn't know who I was. And because of that I went on a journey. I traveled to other countries. I tried new foods. I picked up new hobbies. I did things I would normally say 'no' to. Because I already had a life I didn't like, so why not try something new. I left my very comfortable, boring box - that was my life and I made myself uncomfortable. I found myself in my own discomfort. It was like a rush and ever since then, I had to have more of that feeling; I chased it.
You can't love yourself and not know who you are. Repeat. If you don't know who you are, you don't love yourself. That is the truth. I know that hurts. I know you want to fight me on that. But it's the truth. When I didn't know who I was, I didn't love me. I actually hated myself, for a very long time. Picture this, you start dating a someone. You don't know their secrets, their struggles, strengths, weaknesses, likes or dislikes, what they are fully capable of, where they lack - you haven't even had your first fight. You love them? Of course you don't. You can't love them until you see it all. Once you uncover the darkness; find out what makes them tick, what makes them feel alive. You start to love them, you're in love with them. Do that with yourself. If you are willing to do that with another living being; why can't you give yourself the same love, the same time and care? You need to deep dive with yourself; really go there and figure out what makes you tick. What makes YOU feel alive. Get uncomfortable.
loving yourself + knowing who you are = confidence
Confidence is a vibe - it's an aura around someone and when people see that they tend to gravitate towards it. They want to be around it - it's infectious. It's like a moth to a flame. People who dislike themselves don't like it. People who embody low vibrations full of anger, negativity, and lack of empathy tend to not like confidence, at all. That's why when someone doesn't understand me, they are dismissive, or they lack a moral compass - I don't try to reason with them. When someone is at such a low vibration in life; why even bother? If someone can't get UP to my level I don't start lowering myself. I've already been down there; no reason in going back. Those people are not helpful in your journey and lack anything you need in your life. That's why it's fairly easy for me to cut negativity and whole ass people out of my life. Because I don't allow it.
If you vibin' low, you gotta gooooo.
Now, I think people also confuse confidence with knowing everything. Wrong. I'll tell you right now I know JACK shit about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm about to have my bachelor's degree at the end of the year - no idea what I'm doing with it. But, I'm confident enough to know that I will find a job that is my perfect match. I have no idea when I'm getting married and/or having kids, something that actually used to stress me out so much, while being a single 27 year old. Now? I'm confident enough now to know that shits going to happen when it happens; and I'm killing it with or without somebody. Confidence doesn't come from having the best wardrobe, the sickest cars, the best paying job, the cute kids, and the hot husband. It comes from yourself. You need to love yourself.
I know I may be loud and bubbly - but believe it or not I have social anxiety; I will squirm around, play with my hair, and I have nervous ticks. I command a room - but I don't like being the center of attention. Public speaking may be my favorite, and also my biggest fear. I can get really angry - but I am the most empathetic. I cry at the drop of a hat; only because I care so deeply about, well, everything. I am confident in the fact that I know who I am. Confidence doesn't come from knowing everything around you. I'm still teachable because I am aware that I don't know everything. Confidence is bred from really knowing who you are and not letting anyone tell it for you; strengths and weaknesses. Nobody could open up a page in my book and read me things I don't already know about my soul. I know the dark and light - I have zero to hide. Because I'm confident enough to know if someone knew the dark parts of me and didn't like me because of that - I really wouldn't care, at all. That shit doesn't affect me.
Not a single person in this world can tell me who I am. Ever. That is confidence.
With that all being said - I take full responsibility for when I have wronged someone. I know crazy concepts here. But I really believe in listening to people, fully, when I have hurt them. I remember when I was unhappy; if you had told me I had made a mistake or upset you I wouldn't have really cared or I would have defended my actions as if I had a right to. Because I was insecure with who I was and didn't like to be told I was wrong. That is some lame shit. Now, that I'm happier in life; I fight with no one. And if I am in that situation I'm going to listen to you, because I know I'm imperfect, and I want to make sure my actions don't hurt people I love. I am confident enough to know I can fix those wrongs. I am confident in my own skin to know that I am not the center of the universe and would rather make people feel better than worse.
So next time someone compliments you on something deeper - like confidence, or personality, or your drive, work ethic, whatever. Don't be so easily dissmissive of that. People don't say those comments for the sake of it. They mean it.
So take the fucking compliment bitch you are awesome. Know who are you, love yourself; be confident.
With Love,
xoxo
Carissa
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