Hi loves,
This is some heavier shit - but it's good shit! Reflecting on darker times allows us to appreciate where we are in present day. I hope some of you can connect to my words and if you can't that's okay too. A lot of what I was writing, in this period of time, I didn't even know what I was writing or who it was about. Just getting pen to paper was my mission in these moments. It wasn't until this year that I could pinpoint why I wrote each piece. Funny how words can flow through you and you don't know the reason why; until you're on the other side of things. These are taken out of my journals that I've been writing in for many years. I'm in a very different place in life. I'm the happiest and healthiest I've ever been. I hope whoever reads this and feels a certain way about it - knows that it gets better. Let me know what you think.
Be kind to yourself,
xoxo
Carissa
Being Alone
I thought fear was being scared of the things you knew
But fear is from the things you don't
A kaleidoscope of terror with a little twist of pleasure
I feel like I'm drowning and I'm falling
Down
Down
Down
Down
Deeper...
I go to catch my breath but instead I feel the grip
Someone inside me - choking me within
Masking the pain I feel
It comes out as anger, so I isolate myself
Get the urge to runaway
The very thing I want to hide from is the thing that is part of me
So instead of running I hide myself, inside the cubby of my brain
This part of me, the old part that is dwindling all away
Sometimes she comes out in the most peculiar way
Gasoline thrown on a house fire and all my loved parts go up in flames
I can see myself burning alive
There's no escape as I watch it fade away
Tragic
Trust, not easily given
Touch, deceiving
Why would you want me?
Oh, you want me?
Ugh, stay...
Wait, don't...
I don't know what I want
Who knows what they want
Flinching from the slightest sense of disappointment
Feeling like a failure for not exploring
They deserve better
No, I deserve better
When does it get easier?
I'm just going to keep running and drinking
Hitting the blunt til I don't feel it
Feeling myself
Oh, I fucking love myself
Nobody can love me like I love me
Looking in the mirror to see my potential
Nobody can tell me who I am
Fuck off, I got me...
Issues With Silence
The quiet scares me
The shadows intimidate me
I hear someone speak
Pauses in conversation feel weak
Not okay with the silence
Personality doesn't allow it
Always a hybrid
It's my vice
Fucking get a life
Stop troubling myself at night
I try to fight
My eyes open wide
Sleep tight, lullaby
Hold my breath, take flight
Hush - you're fine, cut it out
You're alright
You're My Barbie
I'll tell you how to dress
Dress sluttier, I want to see it
Why a turtle neck?
Really?
What are you prude?
Oh, you're uncomfortable?
Why?
Show some skin - you're such a baby
More makeup Too much lipstick
I'm not going to kiss you
That color is trash
You know what I like
Hair straight, no arguing
Curly hair makes you look old
Dress you up and down
My Barbie
Please me, make me happy
Don't you want to see me smile?
Seeing you mad isn't what I signed up for
So be my barbie doll
I'll dress you up and down
Stay
Sometimes I let the dark in
It doesn't have to feel like a sin
My insides crawl, screech, crack
I feel like my heart is under attack
Tomorrow
A new day
Better over time
I don't even know why I cry
I want the waves to stop crashing my mind
Caged up in my skull just out of sight
I have two speeds
Anger and sadness
I step on the gas and watch the madness
If you see the crumbled foundation
Just know it took every drop of courage
To not blow down this house I'm trying to manage
Go deep into your heart
Find your best way to love me
I don't deserve it - you don't have to tell me
Because sometimes the broken ones need to feel certain
So, stay
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